Forgiveness

Forgiveness

Forgiveness… it has always seemed to come easy for me
When my Dad called me stupid and said I wasn’t man enough
He yelled at me and made me wish I wasn’t around anymore
And he never said he was sorry or validated me in any way
He is gone now… it is too late for that to change
Yet I forgave him… I understand how having me as a son must have been frustrating.

Forgiveness… it has always seemed to come easy for me
When my Mom would bring me along when she had coffee with the neighbor
And the neighbor’s kids would hit me, spit on me, and say horrible things
And then they would run and tell their mom I did all that to them, when I did nothing
And my Mom would yell at me and spank me, no questions asked, as the neighbors smirked
Later I begged her not to bring me back there, but that earned me a slap on the face

I tried to tell my mom how that and so many other things bothered me, hurt me
I tried to talk to her about my hurts from the way I was treated at school, and how she treated me
And to this day, each time I tell her about the past growing up
No matter how many times I say it, no matter if I remind her I have told her many times
She always says she never knew that or heard it before…like I never told her
Yet I forgave her… I understand how she might not want to acknowledge how I felt.

Forgiveness… It has always seemed to come easy for me
When all the kids at school bullied me relentlessly
Implying I was gay, though I liked girls very much
My teachers saw it and did nothing, one even said if I wasn’t a pansy, they wouldn’t call me one
They made me want to kill myself… or just disappear forever
Yet I forgave them… I understand how I was just an easy target.

Forgiveness… It has always seemed to come easy for me
When the first girl I was ever with intimately became my fiancé
But then I became a Christian and wanted to wait until we married
She told me I needed to choose between God and her
Then she said she had been cheating on me with her college professor, giving details until I cried
Yet I forgave her… I understand how she would do that, even Dad said I wasn’t man enough.

Forgiveness… It has always seemed to come easy for me
When my brother interrupted a conversation I was having with my Mom at Thanksgiving
To say he wanted to tell her a dirty joke, and I should leave since I was a “Christian”
I wished my Mom would have stood up for me and told him to wait until we were done talking
But I just went to the other room and sat alone, my other brother watched it, saying nothing
Yet I forgave them… I understand how easy it is to discard me.

Forgiveness… It has always seemed to come easy for me
When the church I attended for 20 years became more and more legalistic
And I tried to live and share the Grace of God, and comfort others under Spiritual Abuse
They told me if I went to my Mom’s on Easter instead of the Bible Study I would be a bad example
I wrote a goodbye letter they would not read, but they simply announced “He Left the Lord”
Yet I forgave them… I understand how I just did not fit in there.

Forgiveness… It has always seemed to come easy for me
When my boss yelled at me because he was told to do better by his boss
Becoming abusive verbally and emotionally, making me depressed and stressed
Having to choose between my health and providing for my family
As soon as he is nice to me, I accept him, but it goes back to the same all over again
Yet I forgave him… I understand how such a buffoon as me is lucky to have a job.

Forgiveness… It has always seemed to come easy for me
When online friends that were close disappear and never say goodbye
When they stop talking to me and I never know why
And I second guess and stress and wonder what I did this time
Hoping they will forgive me for whatever trespasses I could imagine
Yet they won’t forgive me… I understand I am just a waste of their time.

Forgiveness… Will it always come easy for me?
When I stand before the Throne of God and face Him naked and flawed?
For all the times I never said I was wrong or sorry to Him?
For all the times I did not even remember what I did that caused Him pain?
For all the times I was unkind, or unfaithful, or set Him aside to do my own thing?
Yet I hope for His Forgiveness… I understand His Mercy is so much greater than mine.